As my Senior year of high school at DreamYard Preparatory came to an end, it was time to apply to as many scholarships as I could. My ‘Youth Leader’ essay for The Meringoff Valedictory Prize is what strikes my most recent memory with my literacy development. June 8th, I was announced the second awardee for this competition, and I can still remember the proudness I felt when I saw the email shared out within my school. From my freshman Algebra teacher to my junior AP English and Composition teacher replying with a “Congratulations!” Walking down the halls as my schools’ principal shouted out, “We are so proud of you Jhoanna-Banana!” I have never felt so appreciated and overjoyed about winning my first-ever scholarship. After class, getting home was the only thing in my mind. To run to Ma, tell her with the most excited tone and the biggest smile that her daughter received money for college tuition. You could see how contagious my energy was as her smile grew more and more as I explained how I achieved it and what the next steps were. I know she was happy for me. She saw that I did something on my own and worked my hardest to help us figure out our financial situation so I could have the education she wants for me. As a young Latina woman, I grew up hearing it is rare for parents to show their proud side because they only want to push their sons and daughters over the limit they are used to. This was our rare moment that I hold within my heart until this day.

       As I explained to my parents, I wrote about my experiences with College Access: Research and Action. CARA is an organization that supports high school students with guidance on their post-secondary plans and overall experience within the educational system. At the moment, I was working as a Youth Leader for CARA and TAFT Campus during my senior year of high school, with whom I also had my Summer training after my junior year. After a couple of weeks, I had a very clear understanding of their work and counseling ethic which helped me a lot throughout the year. As a student, I used the resources to the fullest capacity, and was able to hear about amazing opportunities, such as job internships, mental health workshops, and outside college counseling for a certain number of students. As a Youth Leader, I learned how to effectively have one-on-one meetings with seniors and be able to get out of my comfort zone to help them have all the resources necessary to have an easy transition into college or postsecondary plans. Supporting my entire senior class with financial aid, scholarship research, college applications and more, was extremely stressful while working on my caseload. But, after a while of meeting other Youth Leaders like me and having the advice from other college counselors on my campus, I managed to feel comfortable and showcase my best work for DreamYard Preparatory High School and CARA. Showing off my skills and putting my fullest potential to all the workshops I facilitated, all the conversations I started, etc, won me the opportunity to be recommended by all the TAFT Campus counselors to apply for the “Youth Leader Scholarship.” If I did not accommodate to the new environment I was in, I would have never had the amazing opportunities I have now.

       However, it was extremely challenging. I might have thought I knew what I was doing and not asking for any help at first, but I definitely needed an extra hand. Everyone who was going for the scholarship had to answer the same four questions however they felt the most comfortable. The letter from the Miringoff Sisters asked all eight contestants if we could express our experience with CARA and how they prepared us for life after high school, how did we become involved, if we gained any contacts that were helpful to us emotionally and/or professionally, and why and what do I expect my life to be like after graduation. Stressful enough that I had to write an essay while still working and trying to maintain school work, my senior year was the first and last experience I had with the New Settlement, and I think that is where my confidence made it difficult to want to fully apply. 

       When I wrote my first draft essay I was struggling the entire first week. Firstly, I had not written a complete essay in a while because my AP Literature class only consists of me answering short responses or completing slideshows about Romeo and Juliet. Secondly, everyone else who applied had outside memories and conversations with the New Settlement. I had writer’s block every time I would open up my google docs. After questioning where to start, I met with the supervisor of the scholarship to help me brainstorm some ideas. She was impressed with how descriptive I could be with just a year of memories, written down in four paragraphs. By the second week, she gave me constructive criticism and wanted me to add more. I might have not been the only one, but she allowed me to talk more about my personal growth and to go beyond the word limit. Hearing this from her made me feel secure in my writing and made me realize what I was doing was great; it was just right. By the last week of this process, I entered my essay and had a sense of relief that it was all over. I enjoyed writing every single piece of it and talking about the people I’ve met, about the workshops that taught me something new about myself, and the other counselors that made me feel safe to talk about my fears of college. After a few weeks, I heard back, and out of the hundreds of students who applied, I was in second place. It was not first, but it was the top three, which was good enough for me. I felt proud of myself. I knew what I put out to the world to see and read was going to impact someone and make them realize New Settlement is a great organization. This achievement did not just help me financially but provided me with the trust that the other essays I write for my next scholarships were going to be just as good to become closer to my pursuing career.

      When I think about the musical La La Land by director Damien Chazelle, the overall storyline is a couple in a love story that does not let each other be held back from pursuing their futures and dreams. Both have a clear understanding that the reason they leave each other behind is so they can get to that next point in their life where their journey will only truly begin. To me, it sends out a social reality that in life, you have to let go to move forward, no matter what it may be. If not, then you’re not going to your full potential, and you’re just going to be in the same position that you started in. To a certain extent, my family is quite the opposite. When it comes to my Hispanic household, my parents, grandparents, and everyone else who wishes the children born and raised in the United States to have a job in the medical field, or must become a lawyer, or an accountant because it makes the most money. Or, in some cases, the woman must stay home to take care of their husband and children. “Money is the goal in life.” is what my mother says to me daily. When your family dynamic is built on nurture, and you become accustomed to the nonstop decision making your parents made for you, you tend to lose your identity and do not know the things you may enjoy or love to do. That was me while growing up. I was, and still in a way, being held back from pursuing what I want to do because of my parents’ wish to make money and have a stable living that they have a hard time maintaining. I will always appreciate the moral support they provide and think is best for me, but it is not the right one when it comes to pursuing a career in the education field. But, after a long while of convincing them that this pathway would be good for me, because of my love for children and helping others, they grew fond of Ms.Fernandez one day. 

     In the long run, still thinking about my generational guilt, this is a very toxic way of living life, but to keep my family’s wishes and make them happy, I rather stick to it. I do enjoy teaching and being with children, but it was not my first choice. This is the reality in Hispanic culture; young women and men sometimes go the extra mile for their parents because they want to fulfill the American Dream that their parents were not fully capable of achieving. I hope one day, my parents understand that to have pursued my dreams they should have let me go out and experience the little and big things in life and not stick to the normal and expected. This is the stigma I want to teach my family to demonstrate to them I will succeed either way, no matter what I do with my future because it is what I truly wanted to do for myself.

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